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Previous humour...

Take it easy ... take the bus!

I would like to share an experience with you all about drinking and
driving. As you well know some of us have been known to have had rare brushes with the authorities on our way home from the odd social session over the years.

A couple of nights ago I was out for a few drinks with some friends and had a few too many beers and some shots. Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit I did something I've never done before? I took a bus home.

Sure enough, I passed a R.I.D.E. checkpoint, but as it was a bus they waved it through.

I arrived home safely without incident, which was a real surprise, as I
have never driven a bus before and am not sure where I got it.."

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Early Old Timers' disease

Three old men are at the doctor for a memory test.
The doctor says to the first old man,
"What is three times three?"
"274" was his reply.
The doctor worriedly says to the second man,
"It's your turn. What is three times three?"
"Tuesday" replies the second man.
The doctor sadly says to the third man,
"Okay, your turn. What's three times three"?
"Nine" says the third man.
"That's great!" exclaims the doctor.
"How did you get that"?
"Jeez, Doc, it's pretty simple," says the third man.
I just subtracted 274 from Tuesday."

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Teachers -vs- government

Is it my imagination or does she look like a cross
between Brian Mulroney and Jay Leno?!.

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Always let your boss have the first say...
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out.

The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'

'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.' Poof! She's gone....

'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas, and the love of my life.' Poof! He's gone.

'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, “I want those two back in the office after lunch.”

Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.
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The golfers last wishes...
Three old golfers were discussing where they would like to be buried when the died.

Bill said, “My wife and I bought plots at Mountain View Cemetery, and that is where they would be buried.”

George said, My wife and I wrote into our wills they were to be cremated, and their ashes scattered in the Straight of Georgia.”

Frank said, “I want to be buried 270 yards off the seventh tee.”

Bill asked, “Why would you want to be buried there?”

Frank replied, “Because I have never been there before.”
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The hospital visit...
A six year old goes to the hospital with her grandmother to visit her Grandpa. When they get to the hospital, she runs ahead of her Grandma and bursts into her Grandpa's room ...

"Grandpa, Grandpa," she says excitedly, "As soon as Grandma comes into the room, make a noise like a frog!"

"What?" said her Grandpa.

"Make a noise like a frog - because Grandma said that as soon as you croak, we’re all going to Disney Land !!!
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The hospital visit #2...
A man was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, 'You're beautiful.' Then he fell asleep again.

His wife had never heard him say that before, so she stayed by his side. A few minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said, 'You're cute.'

The wife was disappointed because instead of 'beautiful,' it was now 'cute.' She asked, 'What happened to beautiful?'

The man replied, 'The drugs are wearing off.'
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New carpenters...
Oswald and Dougle were doing some carpenter work on a Habitat for Humanity House.

Oswald was nailing down house siding, would reach into his nail pouch, pull out a nail & either toss it over his shoulder or nail it in.

Dougle, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, 'Why are you throwing those nails away?'

Oswald explained, 'When I pull a nail out of my pouch, about half of them have the head on the wrong end & I throw them away.'

Dougle got completely upset and yelled, 'You moron! Those nails aren't defective! They're for the other side of the house!'
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Broken mower... getting the message across...
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer. Always something more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.

I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
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International report on elephants...
An international symposium on elephants was convened. Every nation in the world was represented and was expected to deliver a report on elephants.

  • Germany contributed a report: "The Elephant -- A War Machine".
  • France's report was typically: "The Love Life of an Elephant".
  • America saw the economic values in: "Raising Elephants for Fun and Profit".
  • Great Britain had their own unique view: "The Elephant and the British Empire".

The Canadian report was, of course, typically Canadian...
"The Elephant: A Federal or Provincial Responsibility?"
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Small town, dumb cop...
A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.
"But officer," the man said, "I can explain."
"Just be quiet!!!" snapped the officer. "...or I'm going to let you cool off in jail until the chief gets back."
"But officer, I just wanted to say...."
"And I said KEEP QUIET! Now you're going to jail!"
A few hours later, the officer checked up on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."
"Don't count on it," said the man in the cell. "I'm the groom!"
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Visiting the doctor:
When my doctor asked me about what I did yesterday, I told him about my day...

"Well, yesterday afternoon, I waded across the edge of a lake, escaped from a mountain lion in the heavy brush, marched up and down a mountain, stood in a patch of poison ivy, crawled out of quicksand, and jumped away from an aggressive rattlesnake"

Inspired by my story, the doctor said, "You must be an awesome outdoors-man!"

"No," I replied, "I'm just a lousy golfer.
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The mean boss...
The CEO of a large company was walking to the cafeteria along with two of his secretaries. Upon tripping on a bottle, a genie appeared and asked the threesome if they would like to each make a wish.

The first secretary excitedly exclaimed, “I wish I was on a beach in a tropical island!” Immediately her wish was granted.

The next secretary proclaimed, “I wish I was on a tour of France!” Immediately her wish too, was granted.

Being that it was now his turn to make a wish the CEO exclaimed “I want the two of them back in their offices right after lunch!”

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Father-to-son... "the talk"
One day, a man finally decided that it was time for a heart to heart with his boy..."Son, it's time we had a little talk," he began. "Soon you will have urges and feelings you've never had before. Your heart will pound and your hands will sweat. You'll become preoccupied and unable to think of anything else."
His son looked positively frightened about what might possibly come next.

"But don't worry," the man continued. "It's perfectly normal. It's called 'golf.'"
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Where is God?
Two little boys, ages 5 and 7, are excessively mischievous.
They are always getting into trouble and their parents know if any mischief occurs in their town, the two boys are probably involved.

The boys' mother heard that a preacher in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually.

The mother sent the 5 year old in the morning, with the older boy to see the preacher in the afternoon. The preacher, a huge man with a deep booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Do you know where God is, son?"

The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open. So the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God?!

Again, the boy made no attempt to answer. The preacher raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and Bellowed, "WHERE is GOD?!"

The boy screamed & bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him. When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?"

The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time!" "GOD is missing, and they think WE did it!"

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The Grandma Test
I was out walking with my Grandson. He picked up something off of the ground and started to put it in his mouth. I took the item away from him and I asked him not to do that.

'Why' my Grandson asked. "Because it's been on the ground; you don't know where it's been, it's dirty, and probably has germs," I replied.

At this point, my Grandson looked at me with total admiration and asked, "Grandma, how do you know all this stuff?? You are so smart."

I was thinking quickly and said to him, "all Grandmas know stuff. It's on the Grandma Test. You have to know it, or they don't let you be a Grandma."

We walked a long in silence for two or three minutes, but he was evidently pondering this new information.

"Oh....I get it! he beamed, So if you don't pass the test you have to be the Grandpa".

'Exactly,' I replied with a big smile on my face.
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A Canadian prairie smile...
A Saskatchewan farmer and his wife, on their way back home in January, are at an airport in Arizona awaiting their flight. They were dressed in heavy boots, parka, scarf, mittens ... all ready to head home to the Canadian winter.

An older American couple standing nearby is intrigued by their manner of dress. The wife says to her husband, "Look at that couple. I wonder where they are from?"

He replies, "How would I know?"
She counters, "You could go and ask them."
He says, "I do not really care. You want to know, you go and ask them."

She decides to do just that and walks over to the couple and asks, "Excuse me. Looking at the way you are dressed, I wondered ... where you are from?"

The Canadian farmer replies, " Saskatoon, Saskatchewan".

The woman returns to her husband, who asks, "So, where are they from?"

She replies, "I don't know. They don't speak English."
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Short and sweet...
Paddy shouts frantically into the phone "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor.
"No", shouts Paddy, "this is her husband!"

A police recruit was asked during the exam, 'What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?'
He answered, 'Call for backup.'
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the ommandment to 'Honor thy father and thy mother,' she asked, 'Isn’t here a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?' Without missing a beat, one little boy answered, 'Thou shall not kill.'
A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds: 'Husband Wanted'.
Next day she received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing: 'You can have mine.'
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Five pearls of Scottish wisdom

  1. Money cannot buy happiness but...somehow, its more comfortable to cry in a Jaguar than it is on a bicycle.
  2. Forgive your enemy, but remember the bugger's name.
  3. Help a man when he is in trouble & he will remember you when he is in trouble again.
  4. Many people are alive only because it's illegal to shoot them.
  5. Alcohol does not solve any problem, but then neither does milk.

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Biker girl?!
A tough looking group of bikers were out riding when they saw a woman about to jump off a bridge, so they stopped and parked their Harley's.

Their leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, "What are you doing?"

"I'm going to commit suicide," she says.

While he didn't want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an opportunity either, so he asked her... "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"

So she does...And it was a long, deep, lingering, spine-tingling kiss.

After she's finished, the biker leader says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I've ever had! That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous. Why in the world would you want to commit suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."

The authorities think she may have been pushed.
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Bagpiper's lament
As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a Funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless Man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a Pauper's cemetery in the back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently Gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the Diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.

I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the Side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in Place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.

And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

Apparently I'm still lost....it's a man thing.
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More thoughts on marriage...
You have two choices in life: You can stay single and be miserable,or get married and wish you were dead.

When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.

A woman is incomplete until she is married. Then she is finished.

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.

Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

First guy says, 'My wife's an angel!'
Second guy remarks, 'You're lucky, mine's still alive.'
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Some thoughts on marriage...
At a cocktail party, one woman said to another,
'Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?'
'Yes, I am. I married the wrong man.'

A little boy asked his father,
'Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?'
Father replied, 'I don't know son, I'm still paying.'

A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds: 'Husband Wanted'.
Next day she received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: 'You can have mine.'

A young son asked, 'Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa
a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?'
Dad replied, 'That happens in every country, son.'

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

Then there was a woman who said, 'I never knew what real happiness was until I got married, and by then, it was too late.'
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St. Jean Baptiste Day - June 24

La Presse in Montreal
(Rough translation:)
Left - "I have been eclipsed by the (Quebec) National Holiday..."
Right - "I hope not to be (taken over) by the red patches!"

(The essence of this cartoon is that the feast of St. Jean Baptiste in Quebec was changed to "Quebec's National Holiday" some years ago, so St. Jean has been "eclipsed". On the other hand, Joe Citizen is hoping not to be taken over the the "red patches", the emblem of the student protest movement.
Click here for a timeline of Quebec's student protests.)

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Dead cow lecture, pay attention!
First-year students at the Purdue Vet School were attending their first anatomy class with a real dead cow. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.

The professor started the class by telling them, "In Veterinary medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor. The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving
the animal's body."

For an example, the professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the cow, withdrew it, and stuck his finger in his mouth.

"Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students.

The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead cow and sucking on it.

When everyone finished, the Professor looked a them and said,
second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention. Life's tough but it's even tougher if you don't observe and learn."
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From Father's Day 2012 - Ten things you'll never hear a dad say.

  • 10. Well, how 'bout that? I'm lost! Looks like we'll have to stop and ask for directions.
  • 9. You know Pumpkin, now that you're thirteen, you'll be ready for unchaperoned car dates. Won't that be fun?
  • 8. I noticed that all your friends have a certain hostile attitude. I like that.
  • 7. Here's a credit card and the keys to my new car. GO CRAZY!!
  • 6. What do you mean you wanna play football? Figure skating's not good enough for you, son?
  • 5. Your Mother and I are going away for the weekend. You might want to consider throwing a party.
  • 4. Well, I don't know what's wrong with your car. Probably one of those doo-hickey thingies--ya know--that makes it run or something. Just have it towed to a mechanic and pay whatever he asks.
  • 3. No son of mine is going to live under this roof without an earring. Now quit your belly-aching, and let's go to the mall.
  • 2. Whaddya wanna go and get a job for? I make plenty of money for you to spend.
  • 1. What do I want for my birthday? Aahh -- don't worry about that. It's no big deal. (Okay, they might say it. But they don't mean it)

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Gender identification for flies
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.
"What are you doing?" She asked.
"Hunting Flies" He responded.
"Oh. Killing any?" She asked.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"
He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."
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What do these seven words have in common?

  1. Banana
  2. Dresser
  3. Grammar
  4. Potato
  5. Revive
  6. Uneven
  7. Assess

Look at each word carefully. No, it is not that they all have at least two double letters (that would be too easy). You'll kick yourself when you discover the answer.

Give up? Click here for the answer.
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Flying can be...?
Larry was a photographer for the Canaan Connexion, and was scheduled to meet a plane on the runway to take him on a job.

“Hit it,” said Larry climbing into the first plane he saw on the runway. The pilot took off, and was soon in the air.

“OK,” said Larry, “fly low over the trees over there, I want to take a few pictures.”

“What do you mean?” asked the pilot.

Larry looked at the pilot and answered a little annoyed, “I need to take some pictures for the Canaan Connexion, so please…..”

There was a long pause, before the pilot asked in a shaky voice, “you mean you’re not my pilot instructor?”
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Jim Unger (21 January 1937 – 29 May 2012)

Cartoonist Jim Unger, the man behind Herman, dies at 75 in Saanich, BC. He will be remembered as an artist, trailblazer and offbeat comic.

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New boss downsizes
(If you've ever worked for a boss who reacts before getting the facts and thinking things through, you will love this!)

A local company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.

On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business.

He asked the guy: "How much money do you make a week?"

A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said, "I make $400 a week. Why?"

The CEO said, "Wait right here." He walked back to his office, came back in two minutes, and handed the guy $1,600 in cash and said, "Here's four weeks' pay. Now GET OUT and don't come back."

Feeling pretty good about himself the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?"

From across the room a voice said, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."
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A sudden change of mind
My Dearest Susan,

Sweetie of my heart. I've been so desolate ever since I broke off our engagement. Simply devastated. Won't you please consider coming back to me? You hold a place in my heart no other woman can fill. I can never marry another woman quite like you. I need you so much. Won't you forgive me and let us make a new beginning? I love you so.

Yours always and truly,

(P.S. Congratulations on you winning the state lottery.)
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Having a first child...
A man and his wife were making their first doctor visit, the wife being pregnant with their first child.

After everything checked out, the doctor took a small stamp and stamped the wife's stomach with indelible ink.

The couple was curious about what the stamp was for, so when they got home, the husband got out his magnifying glass to try to see what it was.

In very tiny letters, the stamp said, "When you can read this, come back and see me."
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The Stages Of Motherhood
4 Years Of Age - My Mommy can do anything;
8 Years Of Age - My Mom knows a lot! A whole lot
12 Years Of Age -My Mother doesn't really know quite everything.
14 Years Of Age -Naturally, Mother doesn't know that, either
16 Years Of Age -Mother? She's hopelessly old-fashioned
18 Years Of Age -That old woman? She's way out of date
25 Years Of Age -Well, she might know a little bit about it
35 Years Of Age -Before we decide, let's get Mom's opinion
45 Years Of Age -Wonder what Mom would have thought about it
65 Years Of Age -Wish, I could talk it over with Mom
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The lady and the lady beggar
A lady was walking down the street when she was a approached by a lady beggar asking for money. The lady took a $20 bill out of her purse, and asked “if I give you this money will you spend it on chocolate.”

“Don’t be ridiculous” the beggar replied “does it look like I have nothing better to spend money on?”

“How about shopping?” she asked. “No,” the beggar said, “don’t you understand I need money just to stay alive.”

“Will you spend it on your hair?” the lady asked. Annoyed the beggar replied, “No, I just need money for food, and shelter.

“In that case” the lady said “I don’t want to just give you money I would like you to eat out with me and my husband tonight.”

“Why?” The beggar asked. “Well,”the lady said “I think it’s important for him to see what a lady looks like after she gives up chocolate, shopping, and hair appointments.”
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Old classmate??
Recently divorced, I moved back to my home town hoping to start over again. A few weeks later, while making a dentist appointment, I was surprised to see I recognized the dentist’s name as a good looking boy from my high school 20 years ago. However, upon walking into the dentist’s office, I quickly realized he must be someone else. He was bald, had a big beer belly, and looked a lot older than me. Just to be sure though, on my way out I asked him if he went to the high school that I had attended. “Yeah”, he responded, “I graduated in 91.” “Oh my gosh”, I excitedly said “you were in my class.” “Really”, he said that’s interesting, “what class did you teach?”
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 Answer to the (Above) riddle: If you take the first letter of each word and place it at the end of the word, it spells the same forward and backwards. It's called a palindrome. Examples: "Madam, I'm Adam"; "Was it a car or a cat I saw?".

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The lady and the lady beggar
A lady was walking down the street when she was a approached by a lady beggar asking for money. The lady took a $20 bill out of her purse, and asked “if I give you this money will you spend it on chocolate.”

“Don’t be ridiculous” the beggar replied “does it look like I have nothing better to spend money on?”

“How about shopping?” she asked. “No,” the beggar said, “don’t you understand I need money just to stay alive.”

“Will you spend it on your hair?” the lady asked. Annoyed the beggar replied, “No, I just need money for food, and shelter.

“In that case” the lady said “I don’t want to just give you money I would like you to eat out with me and my husband tonight.”

“Why?” The beggar asked. “Well,”the lady said “I think it’s important for him to see what a lady looks like after she gives up chocolate, shopping, and hair appointments.”
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Of an age...
A reporter was interviewing a 104 year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked.
She simply replied, "No peer pressure."
The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs.
I've sure gotten old. I've had two By-pass surgeries. A hip replacement, new knees. Fought prostate cancer, and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation, hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But.....Thank God, I still have my Florida driver's license!
When you are young, you want to be the master of your fate and the captain of your soul. When you are older, you will settle for being the master of your weight and the captain of your bowling team.

Drinking and driving
 I would like to share an experience with you, about drinking and driving.

As you well know, some of us have been known to have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from the odd social session over the years.

A couple of nights ago, I was out for a few drinks with some friends at the Chateau Laurier Hotel and had a few too many beers and some rather nice red wine.

Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before: I took a bus home.

Sure enough I passed a police road block but as it was a bus, they waved it past.

I arrived home safely without incident, which was a real surprise as I have never driven a bus before and am not sure where I got it
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What Is Easter?
Three stupid guys just died and are at the pearly gates of heaven. St. Peter tells them that they can enter the gates if they can answer one simple question.

St. Peter asks the first man, "WHAT IS EASTER?" The man replies, "Oh, that's easy, it's the holiday in November when everybody gets together, eats turkey, and is thankful..."

"WRONG," replies St. Peter, and proceeds to ask the second man the same question, "WHAT IS EASTER?"

The second man replies, "No, Easter is the holiday in December when we put up a nice tree, exchange presents, and celebrate the birth of Jesus."

St. Peter looks at the second man, shakes his head in disgust, looks at the third man and asks, "WHAT IS EASTER?"

The third man smiles and looks St. Pete in the eye.

"I know what Easter is. Easter is the Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish celebration of Passover. Jesus and his disciples were eating at the last supper and He was later deceived and turned over to the Romans by one of his disciples. The Romans took Him to be crucified and was stabbed in the side, made Him wear a crown of thorns, and He was hung on a cross. He was buried in a nearby cave which was sealed off by a large boulder. Every year the boulder is moved aside so that Jesus can come out, and if He sees his shadow there will be six more weeks of winter."
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The Quill Bill
Dr. Smithson is a small town veterinarian, known for his wry humor. He surpassed himself one summer day when a city dog was brought to him after an encounter with a porcupine.

After almost an hour of prying, pulling, cutting and stitching, he returned the dog to its owner, who asked what she owed.

"A hundred and fifty dollars, m a'am," he answered.

"Why that's simply outrageous!" she stormed. "That's what's wrong with you people, you're always trying to overcharge summer visitors. Whatever do you do in the winter, when we're not here to be gypped?"

"We raise porcupines, ma'am," he answered."
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It's all in how you say it!
(From the diary of a Pre-School Teacher)

My five-year old )students are learning to read.

Yesterday one of them pointed at a picture in a zoo book and said:

"Look at this! It's a frickin' elephant!"

I took a deep breath, then asked..."What did you call it?"

"It's a frickin' elephant! It says so on the picture!"

And so it does. "
A f r i c a n Elephant "
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Finding inner peace
A doctor on TV said, to have inner peace, we should always finish things we start and we all could use more calm in our lives.

I looked around my house to find things I'd started and hadn't finished, so...

I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of wum, an a box a chocletz. Yu haf no idr how fablus I feel rite now.

Sned this to all who need inner piss. An telum u luvum.
(Click on dog to enlarge.)
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With age comes wisdom
A guy is 72 years old and loves to fish.
He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, 'Pick me up.'
He looked around and couldn't see anyone.
He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again, 'Pick me up.'
He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog.
The man said, 'Are you talking to me?'
The frog said, 'Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up, then kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. I'll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous because I will be your bride!'
The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front pocket.
The frog said, 'What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said? I said kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride.'
He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said, 'Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog.'
With age comes wisdom.

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Irish Railway
The following is an actual exchange of correspondence between a customer and the Irish Railway Company
I have been riding your trains daily for the last two years, and the service on your line seems to be getting worse every day. I am tired of standing in the aisle all the time on a 14-mile trip. I think the transportation system is worse than that enjoyed by people 2,000 years ago.
Yours truly,
Patrick Finnegan
Dear Mr. Finnegan,
We received your letter with reference to the shortcomings of our service and believe you are somewhat confused in your history. The only mode of transportation 2,000 years ago was by foot.
Irish Railway Company

I am in receipt of your letter, and I think you are the ones who are confused in your history. If you will refer to the Bible and the Book of David, 9th Chapter, you will find that Balaam rode to town on his ass. That, gentlemen, is something I have not been able to do on your train in the last two years!
Yours truly,
Patrick Finnegan.

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It's an Irish thing for St. Paddy's Day...
Paddy O'Neill was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place.

Looking up toward heaven, he said "Lord, take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I'll go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of my life and give up whiskey."

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Paddy looked up again and said "Never mind. I found one."

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The doctor and the outdoorsman:
When my Doctor asked me If I led an active life I told him about my day:

"Well, yesterday afternoon, I waded across the edge of a deep lake;Barely escaped from a wild feral ‘Razor-Back’ Pig in the thick bush; Marched along a treacherous track up and down a mountain with false crests;Stood in a patch of itchy, poison bush; Crawled out of a pit of quicksand;And then barely escaped jumping away from an aggressive King-Brown snake.”

Inspired by my story, the Doctor said:"You must be an awesome outdoorsman!”

"No," I replied: "I'm just a crappy golfer."

Chinese Proverb:
“To believe in one's dreams is to spend all of one's life asleep.”

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Funny One Liners - Part One:

  • My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.
  • I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
  • I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
  • Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.
  • You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me
  • Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
  • Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
  • I'm not a complete idiot; Some parts are missing.
  • Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
  • God must love stupid people; He made so many.
  • The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
  • Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
  • Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

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Funny One Liners - Part Two:

  • Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it!
  • Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I grew up.
  • Procrastinate Now!
  • I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With that?
  • A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance
  • Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
  • They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
  • He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.
  • A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.
  • Ham and eggs. A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
  • The trouble with life is there's no background music
  • The original point and click interface was a Smith and Wesson.
  • I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.

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Who is your real friend?
Try this experiment:
Put your dog and your spouse in the trunk of the car for an hour.
When you open the trunk, which one is really happy to see you?

A Traffic Yarn:
A Los Angeles policeman pulled alongside a speeding car on the
freeway. Glancing at it, he was astounded to see that the woman at the wheel was knitting!

The cop cranked down his window and yelled, "PULL OVER!"

"NO," the woman yelled back, "IT'S A PAIR OF SOCKS!"

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Cat heaven...
A cat died and went to Heaven. God met her at the gates and said, 'You have been a good cat all these years. Anything you want is yours for the asking.'

The cat thought for a minute and then said, 'All my life I lived on a farm and slept on hard wooden floors. I would like a real fluffy pillow to sleep on.'

God said, 'Say no more.' Instantly the cat had a huge fluffy pillow.
A few days later, six mice were killed in an accident and they all went to Heaven together. God met the mice at the gates with the same offer that He made to the cat.

The mice said, 'Well, we have had to run all of our lives: from cats, dogs, and even people with brooms! If we could just have some little roller skates, we would not have to run again.
God answered, 'It is done.' All the mice had beautiful little roller skates.

About a week later, God decided to check on the cat. He found her sound asleep on her fluffy pillow. God gently awakened the cat and asked, 'Is everything okay? How have you been doing? Are you happy?'

The cat replied, 'Oh, it is WONDERFUL.' I have never been so happy in my life. The pillow is so fluffy, and those little "Meals on Wheels" you have been sending over are delicious!'

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A bad day all around...
There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.

"Well, whatcha' gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.

"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can`t stand to see a man crying."

(Click on pic to enlarge)

"This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife with another man and then my dog bit me."

"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all, I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve; then you show up and drink the whole thing!

But enough about me, how's your day going?"

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That "senior's moment":
A group of seniors were sitting around talking about all their ailments.

"My arms have gotten so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee," said one.

"Yes, I know," said another. "My cataracts are so bad; I can't even see my coffee."

"I couldn't even mark an "X" at election time, my hands are so crippled," volunteered a third.

"What? Speak up! What? I can't hear you!"

"I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said a fourth, to which several nodded weakly in agreement.

"My blood pressure pills make me so dizzy!" exclaimed another.
"I forget where I am, and where I'm going," said another.

"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," winced an old man as he slowly shook his head.

The others nodded in agreement.

"Well, count your Blessings," said a woman cheerfully - - "thank God we can all still drive"

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Only in New York:

A tourist is visiting New York City when his car breaks down. He jumps out and starts fiddling under the hood. About five minutes later, he hears some thumping sounds and looks around to see someone taking stuff out of his trunk!

He runs around and yells, "Hey, bud, this is my car!"

"OK," the man says, "You take the front and I'll take the back."
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Quotable quotes:
Jerry Seinfield: “I wonder if illiterate people get the full effect
of alphabet soup?'

Henry Ward Beecher: A person without a sense of humor is like a wagon without springs. It's jolted by every pebble on the road.”

Dave Barry: “Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night”

George Carlin: “Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?”

George F. Burns: “It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The
trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the

Dan Castellaneta: “Press the any key ... hmmm where's the any key?”

Henry "Henny" Youngman: "The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret."

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No tongue, please!
A city woman goes in to a country butcher shop and says to the man behind the counter:

"I'm tired of cooking the same old thing and I'm having trouble deciding what I want to cook for my husband's supper, do you have any ideas?"

The butcher replies:
"Yes ma'am. We just brought in some lovely, fresh cow's tongue."

"Oh, my gawd, no!" squeals the woman, "I would never eat anything that came out of the mouth of an animal."

She thinks for a moment and then she says:
"Give me a dozen eggs."

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Copper Wire
After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, British scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the Brits, in the weeks that followed, an American archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story published in the New York Times:
"American archaeologists, finding traces of 250-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 50 years earlier than the British".

One week later, Canadian Dept of Mines and Resources in Northern Canada reported the following:
"After digging as deep as 30 feet in Northern Canada in the Ontario region of Thunder Bay Jack Lucknow, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing.

Jack has therefore concluded that 250 years ago, Canada had already gone wireless."

Just makes you bloody proud to be Canadian, don't it!

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The cantankerous old man
An old man and woman were married for many years, even though they hated each other. Whenever there was a confrontation, yelling could be heard deep into the night.

The old man would shout, 'When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!'

Neighbors feared him. They believed he practiced magic, because of the many strange occurrences that took place in their neighborhood. The old man liked the fact that he was feared.

To everyone's relief, he died of a heart attack when he was 98.

His wife had a closed casket at the wake. After the burial, she went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow.

Her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked, 'Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way out of the grave and haunt you for the rest of your life?'

The wife put down her drink and said, 'Let him dig. I had him buried upside down.. And you know men won't ask for directions...

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What does God look like?
A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.

As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.

The girl replied, 'I'm drawing God.'

The teacher paused and said, 'But no one knows what God looks like.'

"They will in a minute," she says.

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The difference if you marry a Canadian girl
Three friends married women from different parts of the world....

The first man married a Greek girl. He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.

The second man married a Thai. He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done, and there was a huge dinner on the table.

The third man married a girl from Canada. He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything either but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher.. He still has some difficulty when he pees.

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The infamous call center tech support guy
(We've all talked to this guy, so at last.... here is his profile:)

Mujibar was
trying to get a job in India.

The Personnel Manager said, 'Mujibar, you have passed all the tests, except one.
Unless you pass it, you cannot qualify for this job.'

Mujibar said, 'I am ready.' The manager said, 'Make a sentence using the words Yellow, Pink, and Green.'

Mujibar said, 'The telephone goes green, green, And I pink it up, and say, Yellow, this is Mujibar.'

Mujibar now works at a call centre.

No doubt you have spoken to him, I know I have!!!

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When Insults Had Class (no 4-letter words!!)

  • A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease." "That depends, Sir," said Disraeli, "whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."
  • "He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." - Winston Churchill
  • "A modest little person, with much to be modest about." - Winston Churchill
  • "He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." - William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).
  • "He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know." - Abraham Lincoln
  • "I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend.... if you have one." - George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill - "Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there is one." - Winston Churchill, in response.
  • "There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure." Jack E. Leonard
  • "Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" - Mark Twain
  • "His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." - Mae West
  • "He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather than illumination." - Andrew Lang (1844-1912)

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This soldier ain't so dumb...
A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say: "That's not it"
and put it down again. This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army. The soldier picked it up, smiled and said: "That's it."

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After Christmas reflections on life stages (Christmas 2011)
Santa comes down the chimney
1. You believe in Santa Clause
2. You don't believe in Santa Clause
3. You are Santa Clause
4. You look like Santa Clause (Especially after too many seasonal meals and liquids!)

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Today's Merry Christmas (December 25, 2011)
Please accept without obligation, express or implied, these best wishes for an environmentally safe, socially responsible, low stress, non addictive, and gender neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday as practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice (but with respect for the religious or secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or for their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all) and further for a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling, and medically uncomplicated onset of the generally accepted calendar year (including, but not limited to, the Christian calendar, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures). The preceding wishes are extended without regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith, choice of computer platform, or sexual preference of the wishee(s).

(But really folks, isn't it great that we can still say "Merry Christmas!?)
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Holiday weekend ... waiting until the last minute
A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a long holiday weekend. The attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars ahead of him. Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump. "Reverend," said the young man, "I'm so sorry about the delay. It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip." The minister chuckled, "I know what you mean. It's the same in my business."

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Men! ...on a personal note, can you relate to this?!
Friday was a bit of a tough day.
It started getting up in the dark, getting dressed and out to an appointment.
During the one hour appointment I felt totally and physically uncomfortable, what's more, my new casual pants (the one's with the elastic waist which I purchased at Omar the Ten Maker, cause the pregnancy pants that women buy are never large enough to get around my middle girth) kept creeping downwards in the back and I had to keep adjusting them.
After a few difficult hours I got back home and when I went to change into something more comfortable, I realized that I had put my pants on backwards!
There's no fly in the casual pants, so even when I stopped off to gas up at the Canadian Tire gas bar, and use their bathroom, I still didn't notice that the back pocket was facing frontwards.
It's a good thing that my coat is long enough otherwise someone might have commented on my "plumber's crack"!

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The wrong answer!
I asked my wife,
'Where do you want to go for our anniversary?'
It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.
'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!' she said.
So I suggested, 'How about the kitchen?'

And that's when the fight started...

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1. You accidentally enter your pin number into the microwave.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.
4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.
6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.
7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.
8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life,
is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.
10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.
11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile.
12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.
13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.
14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.
15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list

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No parking for the minister
A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter. Then he put a note under the windshield wiper that read:

"I have circled the block 10 times. If I don't park here, I'll miss my
appointment. Forgive us our trespasses."

When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note:

"I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give you a ticket I'll
lose my job. Lead us not into temptation."

(Previous jokes)
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The Bible - A sign of the times
A father was approached by his small son who told him proudly, "I know what the Bible means!"

His father smiled and replied, "What do you mean, you 'know' what the Bible means?

The son replied, "I do know!"

"Okay," said his father. "What does the Bible mean?"

"That's easy, Daddy..." the young boy replied excitedly," It stands for 'Basic Information Before Leaving Earth.'

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Only Americans could do this...
When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in 0 gravity. To combat this problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion developing a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to over 300C.
The Russians used a pencil.

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Irish farmer's missing dog...
An old Irish farmer's dog goes missing, farmer's inconsolable.
His wife says "Why don't you put an advert in the paper?"
He does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing.
"What did you put in the paper?" his wife asks.
"Here boy" he replies.

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Trip to Costco...
Yesterday I was at my local COSTCO buying a large bag of Purina dog chow
for my loyal pet, Biscuit, the Wonder Dog and was in the checkout line when
a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had, an elephant? So since I'm retired and have
little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was
starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I
ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I
awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my
orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way it
works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one
or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it
works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that
practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food
poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's
rear end and a car hit us both.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was
laughing so hard.

Costco won't let me shop there anymore.

Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the
world to think of crazy things to say.
(Thanks to Rockland resident D.M. for this item!)

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Eve's chat with God...
“Lord, I have a problem.”
“What’s the problem, Eve?”
“I know that you created me and provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, as well as that hilarious comedic snake, but I’m just not happy.”
“And why is that Eve?”
“Lord, I am lonely, and I’m sick to death of apples.”
“Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you.”
“Man? What is that Lord?”
“A flawed creature, with many bad traits. He’ll lie, cheat and be vain; all in all, he’ll give you a hard time. But he’ll be bigger, faster and will like to hunt and kill things. I’ll create him in such a way that he will satisfy your physical needs. He will be witless and will revel in childish things like fighting and kicking a ball about. He won’t be as smart as you, so he will also need your advice to think properly.”
“Sounds great,” says Eve, with ironically raised eyebrows, “but what’s the catch Lord?”
“Well, you can have him on one condition.”
“And what’s that Lord?”
“As I said, he’ll be proud, arrogant and self-admiring . . . . so you’ll have to let him believe that I made him first. And it will have to be our little secret. . . . you know, woman to woman.”

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Tailgating, horn-honking driver...
A man was being tailgated by a stressed out woman on a busy boulevard.
Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.

The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration, as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup. As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up.

He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a holding cell. After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

He said, 'I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him.' I noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School 'bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk; naturally...I assumed you had stolen the car.'

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Actual comments made on students' report cards by teachers in the New York City public school system:

  • Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.
  • I would not allow this student to breed.
  • Your child has delusions of adequacy.
  • Your son is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
  • Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
  • The student has a 'full six-pack' but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.
  • This child has been working with glue too much.
  • When your daughter's IQ reaches 50, she should sell.
  • The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming..
  • If this student were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.
  • It's impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat out 1,000,000 others.
  • The wheel is turning but the hamster is definitely dead.

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Sunday School:
A Sunday School teacher began her lesson with a question, "Boys and girls, what do we know about God?"

A hand shot up in the air. "He is an artist!" said the kindergarten boy.

"Really? How do you know?" the teacher asked. "You know - Our Father, who does art in Heaven.... "

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What kids have to say:

  • Never trust a dog to watch your food." -Patrick, age 10
  • "When your dad is mad and asks you, 'Do I look stupid?' Don't answer." -Hannah, age 9
  • "Never tell your Mom her diet's not working." -Michael, age 14
  • "Stay away from prunes." -Randy, age 9
  • "Don't pull Dad's finger when he tells you to." > > -Emily, age 10
  • "When your Mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair." -Taylia, age 11
  • "Never let your three-year old brother in the same room as your school assignment."-Traci, age 14
  • "A puppy always has bad breath--even after eating a Tic-Tac." - Andrew, age 9
  • "Never hold a dustbuster and a cat at the same time." - Kyoyo, age 11
  • "You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk." -Amir, age 9
  • "Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts." -Kellie, age 11
  • "If you want a kitten, start out by asking for a horse." -Naomi, age 11
  • "Felt-tip markers are not good to use as lipstick." -Lauren, age 9
  • "Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat." -Joel, age 10
  • "When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your Mom when she's on the phone." -Alyesha, age 13
  • "Never try to baptize a cat." -Eileen, age 8

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The wrong present:
For my son’s birthday we brought him an iPod, my daughter had an iPhone for hers and I got a iPad, thinking along the same lines I got my wife an iRon. Then the fight started.
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Fred's last request:
The priest lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper, and Ol' Fred used his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then suddenly died.
The priest thought it best not to look at the note at that time, so he placed it in his jacket pocket.
At the funeral, as he was finishing the message, he realized that he was wearing the same jacket that he was wearing when Ol' Fred died.
He said, "You know, Ol' Fred handed me a note just before he died. I haven't looked at it, but knowing Fred, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration there for us all.
"He opened the note, and read, "Please step to your left -- you're standing on my oxygen tube!"
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The Pastor says:
There is the story of a pastor who got up one Sunday and announced to his congregation:

"I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program. The bad news is, it's still out there in your pockets!"
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Catholic Shampoo:
While shopping in a food store, two nuns happened to pass by the beer cooler.

One nun said to the other, "Wouldn't a nice cool beer or two taste wonderful on a hot summer evening?"

The second nun answered "Indeed it would Sister, but I wouldn't feel comfortable buying beer as I am certain that it would cause a scene at the check-out counter."

"I can handle that without a problem" she replied as she picked up a six-pack and headed for the check-out.

The cashier had a surprised look on his face when the two nuns arrived with a six-pack of beer.

"We use beer for washing our hair" the nun said, "A shampoo, of sorts, if you will."

Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the counter, pulled out a package of pretzel sticks and placed them in the bag with the beer. He then looked the nun straight in the eye, smiled and said, "The curlers are on the house."
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He can't hear a thing... oh yeah?!
An elderly gentleman...
Had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100 pr cent.
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.'
The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet.
I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!'
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The wrong food can kill you!
A doctor was addressing a large audience in Oxford "The material we put into our stomachs should have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is full of steroids and dye. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High transfat diets can be disastrous and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and most of us have, or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"
After several seconds of quiet, a 90-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, "Wedding Cake."!!!
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Under the flood waters:
One night a torrential downpour soaked South Louisiana. The next morning the resulting floodwaters came up about six feet into most of the homes there. Mrs. Boudreaux was sitting on her roof with her neighbour, Mrs. Thibodaux, waiting for help to come.
Mrs. Thibodaux noticed a lone baseball cap floating near the house. Then she saw it float far out into the front yard, then float all the way back to the house. It kept floating out, then back, out and back.
Her curiosity got the best of her, so she asked Mrs. Boudreaux, "Do you see that baseball cap floating away from the house and then back again?"
Mrs. Boudreaux said, "Oh yes, that's my husband. I told him he was going to cut the grass today, come hell or high water.
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The dying nun:
98-year-old Mother Superior from Ireland was dying. The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her last journey comfortable.
They tried giving her some warm milk to drink but she refused it.
One of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen and remembering a bottle of Irish Whiskey received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened it and poured a generous amount into the warm milk. Back at Mother Superior's bed, she held the glass to her lips. Mother drank a little, then a little more and before they knew it, she had drank the whole glass down to the last drop. "Mother," the nuns asked with earnest, "please give us some wisdom before you die." She raised herself up in bed and said, "Don't sell that cow."
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The Bathtub Test:
During a visit to the mental asylum, I asked the Director "how do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized."

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug ... Do you want a bed near the window?"
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Charlie, theWalmart greeter:
Charley, a new retiree-greeter at Walmart, just couldn't seem to get to work on time.
Every day he was 5, 10, 15 minutes late. But he was a good worker, really tidy, clean-shaven, sharp minded and a real credit to the company; obviously demonstrating their "Older Person Friendly" policies.

One day the boss called him into the office for a talk. "Charley, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic, you do a bang up job. But, being late so often is quite bothersome."

"I know boss, and I am working on it."

''Well good, you are a team player. That's what I like to hear. It's odd though, your coming in late. I know you're retired from the Armed Forces. So, what did they say if you came in late back then?"

They said, 'Good morning, Admiral, can I get you coffee, sir?
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All I need to know, I learned from the Easter Bunny:
Don't put all your eggs in one basket.
Everyone needs a friend who is all ears.
There's no such thing as too much candy.
All work and no play can make you a basket case.
A cute tail attracts a lot of attention.
Everyone is entitled to a bad hare day.
Let happy thoughts multiply like rabbits.
Some body parts should be floppy.
Keep your paws off other people's jellybeans.
Good things come in small, sugar-coated packages.
The grass is always greener in someone else's basket.
To show your true colors, you have to come out of your shell.
The best things in life are still sweet and gooey.

(Saturday, April 23/2011)
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Three Old Men
Three old men are at the doctor for a memory test.
The doctor says to the first old man,
"What is three times three?"
"274" was his reply.
The doctor worriedly says to the second man,
"It's your turn. What is three times three?"
"Tuesday" replies the second man.
The doctor sadly says to the third man,
"Okay, your turn. What's three times three"?
"Nine" says the third man.
"That's great!" exclaims the doctor.
"How did you get that"?
"Jeez, Doc, it's pretty simple," says the third man.
I just subtracted 274 from Tuesday."
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New Definitions:
The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again invited readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.

  • 1. Coffee, n: The person upon whom one coughs.
  • 2. Flabbergasted, adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.
  • 3. Abdicate, v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
  • 4. Esplanade, v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.
  • 5. Willy-nilly, adj. Impotent.
  • 6. Negligent, adj. Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing
  • only a nightgown.
  • 7. Lymph, v. To walk with a lisp.
  • 8. Gargoyle, n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.
  • 9. Flatulence, n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has
  • been run over by a steamroller.
  • 10. Balderdash, n. A rapidly receding hairline.
  • 11. Pokemon, n. A Rastafarian proctologist.
  • 12. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

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Noddy is 90 years old. He's played golf every day since his retirement
35 years ago. One day he arrives home looking downcast. "That's it,"
he tells his wife. "I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has become so bad
that once I hit the ball I can't see where it went."
His wife sympathizes and makes him a cup of tea. As they sit down she
says, "Why don't you take you old mate Milton, and give it one more
"That's no good" sighs Noddy, "Milton's a hundred and three. He can't help."
"He may be a hundred and three", says Noddy's wife, "but his eyesight
is perfect."
So the next day Noddy heads off to the golf course with Milton. He
tees up, takes a mighty swing and squints down the fairway.
He turns to Milton and says, "Did you see the ball?"
"Of course I did!" replied Milton. "I have perfect eyesight".
"Where did it go?" says Noddy.

"I don't remember."
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Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.
Retired goats
Groups of Americans were traveling by tour bus through Holland. The guide described the process of cheese making, explaining that goat's milk was used. She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing.

'These,' she explained, 'are the older goats put out to pasture when
they no longer produce.' She then asked, 'What do you do in America with your old goats?'

A spry old gentleman answered, 'They send us on bus tours!'
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How he made his money
A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money. The old guy
fingered his worsted wool vest and said, "Well, son, it was 1932. The
depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel.

"I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing
the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents.

"The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent
the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I
continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated
a fortune of $1.37.

"Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars."
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Recycling waste
As we get older we sometimes begin to doubt our ability to "make a difference" in the world. It is at these times that our hopes are boosted by the remarkable achievements of other "seniors" who have found the courage to take on challenges that would make many of us wither. Harold Sclumberg is such a person.

I've often been asked, 'What do you old folks do now that you're retired'?
Well...I'm fortunate to have a chemical engineering background,
and one of the things I enjoy most is turning beer, wine, Scotch, and margaritas into recycled waste.

And I'm pretty damn good at it, too!!
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Crap in the carburetor
A woman pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died.
After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She says, "What's the story?"
He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor"
She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"
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Knitting at speed
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway.
Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the woman behind the
wheel was knitting!
Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the
trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled,
"NO!" the woman yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!".
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One tough grandson
A tough old cowboy from South Texas counseled his grandson that if he wanted to live a long life. The secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gun powder on his oatmeal every morning

The grandson did this religiously to the age of 103 when he died.

He left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 45 great-grandchildren,
25 great-great-grandchildren and a 15 foot crater where the
crematorium used to be.
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Three sisters who forget
Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together. One night
the 96 year old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses.....She
yells to the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"
The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She
starts up the stairs and pauses "Was I going up the stairs or down?"
The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening
to her sisters.. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never
get that forgetful, knock on wood." She then yells, "I'll come up and
help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."
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Helping the boss
A young man was leaving the office at 3.45 p.m. when he found his director standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.
"Listen," said the director "this is a very sensitive and important document, and my secretary is not here. Can you make this thing work?"
"Certainly," said the young man. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.
"Excellent, excellent!" said the director as his paper disappeared inside the machine, "I just need one copy."
Lesson: Never, ever assume that your boss knows what he's doing.
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The Plan - Switch seniors and prisoners
Let's put seniors in jail and criminals in a nursing home This way the seniors would have access to showers, hobbies, and walks. They'd receive unlimited free prescriptions, dental and medical treatment, wheel chairs, etc., and they'd receive money instead of paying it out.

They would have constant video monitoring, so they could be helped instantly if they fell or needed assistance. Bedding would be washed twice a week, and all clothing would be ironed and returned to them.

A guard would check on them every 20 minutes and bring their meals and snacks to their cell. They would have family visits in a suite built for that purpose. They would have access to a library, weight room, spiritual counseling, pool, and education.

Simple clothing, shoes, slippers, PJ's and legal aid would be free, on request. Private, secure rooms for all, with an outdoor exercise yard and gardens.

Each senior could have a PC, a TV, a radio, and daily phone calls. There would be a board of directors to hear complaints, and the guards would have a code of conduct that would be strictly adhered to.

The criminals would get cold food, be left all alone and unsupervised, lights off at 8 pm, and showers once a week. They would live in a tiny room, pay $5000 per month, and have no hope of ever getting out.
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Last Requests?
Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning
service, and she's in tears.
He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"
She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news.. My husband passed away
last night."
The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he
have any last requests?"
She says, "That he did, Father."
The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?"
She says, "He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun...'"
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The wife from hell
A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says,' I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir.'

The driver says, 'Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60; perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating.'

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: 'Now don't be silly, dear -- you know that this car doesn't have cruise control.'

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and groans, 'Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?'

The wife smiles demurely and says, 'Well dear you should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did or your speed would have been higher.'

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, 'Woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?'

The officer frowns and says, 'And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine.'

The driver says, 'Yeah, well, you see, officer, I had it on, but I took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.'

The wife says, 'Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving.'

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket, the driver turns to his wife and barks, 'WILL YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??'

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, 'Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?'

(I love this part)

'Only when he's been drinking.!!'
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The Buddies - Stages of Life
A group of 40 years old buddies discuss and discuss where they should meet for dinner. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen restaurant because the waitress's there have low cut blouses and nice breasts.

Ten years later, at 50 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because the food there is very good and the wine selection is good also.

Ten years later at 60 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because they can eat there in peace and quiet and the restaurant is smoke free.

Ten years later, at 70 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because the restaurant is wheel chair accessible and they even have an elevator.

Ten years later, at 80 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because that would be a great idea because they have never been there before.

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Olympic Size Questions
(Now that Vancouver will be hosting the 2010 Winter Olympics, these are some questions people from all over the world are asking. Believe it or not these questions about Canada were posted on an International Tourism Website. Obviously the answers are a joke; but the questions were really asked!)
Q: I have never seen it warm on Canadian TV, so how do the plants grow? (England )
A. We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around and watch them die.

Q: Will I be able to see Polar Bears in the street? ( USA )
A: Depends on how much you've been drinking.

Q: I want to walk from Vancouver to Toronto - can I follow the Railroad tracks? ( Sweden )
A: Sure, it's only Four thousand miles, take lots of water.

Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Canada ? ( Sweden )
A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.

Q: Are there any ATM's (cash machines) in Canada ? Can you send me a list of them in Toronto , Vancouver , Edmonton and Halifax ? (England )
A: No, but you'd better bring a few extra furs for trading purposes.

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Canada ? (USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe Ca-na-da is that big country to your North...oh forget it. Sure, the
hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Calgary Come naked.

Q: Which direction is North in Canada ? ( USA )
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Canada ? ( England )
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? ( USA )
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Vancouver and in Calgary, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

Q: Do you have perfume in Canada ? ( Germany )
A: No, WE don't stink.

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Where can I sell it in Canada ? ( USA )
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

Q: Can you tell me the regions in British Columbia where the female population is smaller than the male population? ( Italy )
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.

Q: Do you celebrate Thanksgiving in Canada ? ( USA )
A: Only at Thanksgiving.

Q: Are there supermarkets in Toronto and is milk available all year round? (Germany )
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of Vegan hunter/gathers. Milk is illegal.

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Canada , but I forget its name. It's a kind of big horse with horns. ( USA )
A: It's called a Moose. They are tall and very violent, eating the brains of anyone walking close to them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? ( USA )
A: Yes, but you will have to learn it first.

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Three cowboys were hanging out in the bunkhouse. "I know that smart aleck Tex," said the first. "He's going to start bragging about that new foreign car he bought as soon as he gets back."

"Not Tex," the second cowboy replied. "He'll always be just a good ol' boy. When he walks in, I'm sure all he'll say is hello."

"I know Tex better than either of you," said the third. "He's so smart, he'll figure out a way to do both. Here he comes now." Tex swung open the bunkhouse door and shouted, "Audi, partners!"

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Computer Problem
I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Eric, the 11 year old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control and asked him to come over. Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.

As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong?

He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'

I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, 'An, ID ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'

Eric grinned.... 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?

'No,' I replied. 'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.' So I wrote down:
I D 1 0 T

I used to like Eric, the little bastard.

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Don't step on the ducks!
Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.
When they get there, St. Peter says, 'We only have one rule here in heaven: Don't step on the ducks!'

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them.. The first woman accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says, 'Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!'

The next day, the second woman accidentally steps on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.

She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St.Peter comes up to her With the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on....very tall, long eyelashes, muscular.

St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.

The happy woman says, 'I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?'

The guy says, 'I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck.

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A Cup of Tea for daddy
One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me. I was maybe 2 ½years old. Someone had given me a little “tea set”and it was one of my favourite toys. Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought him a little cup of “tea”, which was just water.

After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home. My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea,because it was “just the cutest thing!”Mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watches him drink it up.

Then she says, (as only a mother would know)...
“Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?”

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Something wild
A young punker gets on the cross-town bus. He's got spiked, multicolored hair that's green, purple, and orange. His clothes are a tattered mix of colorful leather rags. His legs are bare and he is without shoes. His entire face and body are riddled with pierced
jewelry, and his earrings are big, bright feathers. He sits down in the only vacant seat, directly across from an old man who just stares at him for the next 10 stops.

Finally, the punk gets a little miffed and barks at the old man: "What is with you? Didn't you ever do anything wild when you were young?"

Without missing a beat, the old man replies, "Yup. I remember back when I was young and in the Navy. I got really drunk one night in Singapore. Couldn't control myself. Had sex with a parrot. I was just sitting here wondering if you were my son."

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Real Beer
There's a big conference of beer producers in the most beautiful town in the world: Amsterdam, the Netherlands.

At the end of the day, all of the presidents of all beer companies decide to have a drink in a bar. The president of 'Budweiser' orders a Bud, the president of 'Miller' orders a Miller Lite, Adolph Coors orders a Coors, and the list goes on.

Then the waitress asks Arthur Guinness what he wants to drink, and much to everybody's amazement, Mr. Guinness orders a Coke!

"Why don't you order a Guinness?" his colleagues ask.

"Naah. If you guys won't drink beer, then neither will I."

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The Saskatchewan Wife
Three men married wives from different areas. The first man married a woman from California. He told her that she was to do their dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.

The second man married a woman from New Brunswick. He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done and there was a huge dinner on the table.

The third man married a girl from " Saskatchewan ". He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, and his arm was healed enough so that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher.

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Listeria Health Question
Q: The Stanley Cup was recently on tour in my town and I was blessed
to have the opportunity to hold it and kiss it. Now I am deeply
worried; could I have been infected by listeria?

A: Please relax. You are perfectly safe. The Stanley Cup has not
been in contact with any Maple Leaf product in more than 40 years.

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Mary Clancy to Father O'Grady!
Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.

He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"

She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night."

The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any
last requests?"

She says, "That he did, Father. "The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?"

She says, "He said, 'Please Mary, put down that gun...'"

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Lions 'n writers, 'n readers, oh my!
Two hungry lions were walking through the jungle looking for food when they came across two humans sitting along a river bank.

One of the humans was reading a book, the other was writing a story.

The lions pounced upon the humans, one eating the writer, the other eating the reader.

A few hours earlier, the lion who ate the writer started to feel severe stomach pains, while the other lion who ate the reader felt fine.

The moral of the story is that writers cramp, readers digest!

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Las Vegas Churches accept gambling chips
This may come as a surprise to those of you not living in Las Vegas, but there are more Catholic churches than casinos.

Not surprisingly, some worshipers at Sunday services will give casino chips rather than cash when the basket is passed.

Since they get chips from many different casinos, the churches have devised a method to collect the offerings.

The churches send all their collected chips to a nearby Fanciscan Monastery for sorting and then the chips are taken to the casinos of origin and cashed in.

This is done by the chip monks.

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An Irish priest was transferred to Texas
Father O'Malley rose from his bed. It was a fine spring day in his new Texas mission parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the local police station.

The conversation went like this:
"Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?"

"And the best of the day to yourself. This is Father O'Malley at St. Brigid's . There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn. Would ye be so kind as to send a couple o' yer lads to take care of the matter?"

Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk, "Well now father, it was always my impression that you people took care of last rites!"

There was dead silence on the line for a long moment. Father O'Malley then replied: "Aye, tis certainly true, but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin."

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Divorce Court
"Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce
Court Judge said, "And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week,"

"That's very fair, your honor," the husband said. "And every now and
then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself,
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Canadian! ...eh ?
A recent study found the average Canadian walks about 900 miles a year.
Another study found Canadians drink, on average, 22 gallons of beer a year. That means, on average, Canadians get about 41 miles to the gallon.
Kind'a makes ya proud to be Canadian! ...eh ?

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