|
|
NOTE:
Do you have a joke you would like to share? Send us an e-mail: 
|
|
Previous humour...
|
No tongue, please!
A city woman goes in to a country butcher shop and says to the man behind the counter:
"I'm tired of cooking the same old thing and I'm having trouble deciding what I want to cook for my husband's
supper, do you have any ideas?"
The butcher replies:
"Yes ma'am. We just brought in some lovely, fresh cow's tongue."
"Oh, my gawd, no!" squeals the woman, "I would never eat anything that came out of the mouth of
an animal."
She thinks for a moment and then she says:
"Give me a dozen eggs."
Back to top
|
|
Copper Wire
After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, British scientists found traces of copper wire
dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than
150 years ago.
Not to be outdone by the Brits, in the weeks that followed, an American archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet,
and shortly after, a story published in the New York Times:
"American archaeologists, finding traces of 250-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors
already had an advanced high-tech communications network 50 years earlier than the British".
One week later, Canadian Dept of Mines and Resources in Northern Canada reported the following:
"After digging as deep as 30 feet in Northern Canada in the Ontario region of Thunder Bay Jack Lucknow, a
self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing.
Jack has therefore concluded that 250 years ago, Canada had already gone wireless."
Just makes you bloody proud to be Canadian, don't it!
Back to top
|
The cantankerous old man
An old man and woman were married for many years, even though they hated each other. Whenever there
was a confrontation, yelling could be heard deep into the night.
The old man would shout, 'When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for
the rest of your life!'
 Neighbors
feared him. They believed he practiced magic, because of the many strange occurrences that took place in their
neighborhood. The old man liked the fact that he was feared.
To everyone's relief, he died of a heart attack when he was 98.
His wife had a closed casket at the wake. After the burial, she went straight to the local bar and began to party
as if there was no tomorrow.
Her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked, 'Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way out
of the grave and haunt you for the rest of your life?'
The wife put down her drink and said, 'Let him dig. I had him buried upside down.. And you know men won't ask for
directions...
Back to top
|
What does God look like?
A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would
occasionally walk around to see each child's work.
As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.
The girl replied, 'I'm drawing God.'
The teacher paused and said, 'But no one knows what God looks like.'
"They will in a minute," she says.
Back to top
|
The difference if you marry a Canadian girl
Three friends married women from different parts of the world....
The first man married a Greek girl. He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple
of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.
The second man married a Thai. He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking.
The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house
was clean, the dishes were done, and there was a huge dinner on the table.
The third man married a girl from Canada. He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed,
laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second
day he didn't see anything either but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little
out of his left eye and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher..
He still has some difficulty when he pees.
Back to top
|
The infamous call center tech support guy
(We've all talked to this guy, so at last.... here is his profile:)
Mujibar was trying to get
a job in India.
The Personnel Manager said, 'Mujibar, you have passed all the tests, except one.
Unless you pass it, you cannot qualify for this job.'
Mujibar said, 'I am ready.' The manager said, 'Make a sentence using the words Yellow, Pink, and Green.'
Mujibar said, 'The telephone goes green, green, And I pink it up, and say, Yellow, this is Mujibar.'
Mujibar now works at a call centre.
No doubt you have spoken to him, I know I have!!!
Back to top
|
|
When Insults Had Class (no 4-letter words!!)
- A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some
unspeakable disease." "That depends, Sir," said Disraeli, "whether I embrace your policies
or your mistress."
- "He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." - Winston Churchill
- "A modest little person, with much to be modest about." - Winston Churchill
- "He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary."
- William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).
- "He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know." - Abraham
Lincoln
- "I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend.... if you
have one." - George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill - "Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend
second... if there is one." - Winston Churchill, in response.
- "There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure." Jack E. Leonard
- "Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" - Mark
Twain
- "His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." - Mae West
- "He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather than illumination."
- Andrew Lang (1844-1912)
Back to top
|
This soldier ain't so dumb...
 A
general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown
and say: "That's not it"
and put it down again. This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically
tested. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army. The
soldier picked it up, smiled and said: "That's it."
Back to top
|
After Christmas reflections on life stages (Christmas 2011)
1. You believe in Santa Clause
2. You don't believe in Santa Clause
3. You are Santa Clause
4. You look like Santa Clause (Especially after too many seasonal meals and liquids!)
Back to top
|
Today's Merry Christmas (December 25, 2011)
Please accept without obligation, express or implied, these best wishes for an environmentally safe, socially responsible,
low stress, non addictive, and gender neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday as practiced within the
most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice (but with respect for the religious or secular
persuasions and/or traditions of others, or for their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at
all) and further for a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling, and medically uncomplicated onset of the generally
accepted calendar year (including, but not limited to, the Christian calendar, but not without due respect for
the calendars of choice of other cultures). The preceding wishes are extended without regard to the race, creed,
color, age, physical ability, religious faith, choice of computer platform, or sexual preference of the wishee(s).
(But really folks, isn't it great that we can still say "Merry Christmas!?)
Back to top
|
Holiday weekend ... waiting until the last minute
A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a long holiday weekend. The attendant worked
quickly, but there were many cars ahead of him. Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump. "Reverend,"
said the young man, "I'm so sorry about the delay. It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to
get ready for a long trip." The minister chuckled, "I know what you mean. It's the same in my business."
Back to top
|
Men! ...on a personal note, can you relate to this?!
Friday was a bit of a tough day.
It started getting up in the dark, getting dressed and out to an appointment.
During the one hour appointment I felt totally and physically uncomfortable, what's more, my new casual pants (the
one's with the elastic waist which I purchased at Omar the Ten Maker, cause the pregnancy pants that women buy
are never large enough to get around my middle girth) kept creeping downwards in the back and I had to keep adjusting
them.
After a few difficult hours I got back home and when I went to change into something more comfortable, I realized
that I had put my pants on backwards!
There's no fly in the casual pants, so even when I stopped off to gas up at the Canadian Tire gas bar, and use
their bathroom, I still didn't notice that the back pocket was facing frontwards.
It's a good thing that my coat is long enough otherwise someone might have commented on my "plumber's crack"!
Back to top
|
The wrong answer!
I asked my wife,
'Where do you want to go for our anniversary?'
It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.
'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!' she said.
So I suggested, 'How about the kitchen?'
And that's when the fight started...
Back to top
|
YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2011 when...
1. You accidentally enter your pin number into the microwave.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.
4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.
6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.
7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.
8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life,
is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.
10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.
11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile.
12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.
13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.
14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.
15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list
Back to top
|
No parking for the minister
A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn't find a
space with a meter. Then he put a note under the windshield wiper that read:
"I have circled the block 10 times. If I don't park here, I'll miss my
appointment. Forgive us our trespasses."
When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note:
"I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give you a ticket I'll
lose my job. Lead us not into temptation."
(Previous jokes)
Back to top
|
The Bible - A sign of the times
A father was approached by his small son who told him proudly, "I know what the Bible means!"
His father smiled and replied, "What do you mean, you 'know' what the Bible means?
The son replied, "I do know!"
"Okay," said his father. "What does the Bible mean?"
"That's easy, Daddy..." the young boy replied excitedly," It stands for 'Basic Information Before
Leaving Earth.'
Back to top
|
Only Americans could do this...
When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in 0
gravity. To combat this problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion developing a pen that writes in
zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below
freezing to over 300C.
The Russians used a pencil.
Back to top
|
Irish farmer's missing dog...
An old Irish farmer's dog goes missing, farmer's inconsolable.
His wife says "Why don't you put an advert in the paper?"
He does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing.
"What did you put in the paper?" his wife asks.
"Here boy" he replies.
Back to top
|
Trip to Costco...
Yesterday I was at my local COSTCO buying a large bag of Purina dog chow
for my loyal pet, Biscuit, the Wonder Dog and was in the checkout line when
a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
What did she think I had, an elephant? So since I'm retired and have
little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was
starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I
ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I
awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my
orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way it
works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one
or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it
works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that
practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food
poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's
rear end and a car hit us both.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was
laughing so hard.
Costco won't let me shop there anymore.
Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the
world to think of crazy things to say.
(Thanks to Rockland resident D.M. for this item!)
Back to top
|
Eve's chat with God...
“Lord, I have a problem.”
“What’s the problem, Eve?”
“I know that you created me and provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, as well as that
hilarious comedic snake, but I’m just not happy.”
“And why is that Eve?”
“Lord, I am lonely, and I’m sick to death of apples.”
“Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you.”
“Man? What is that Lord?”
“A flawed creature, with many bad traits. He’ll lie, cheat and be vain; all in all, he’ll give you a hard time.
But he’ll be bigger, faster and will like to hunt and kill things. I’ll create him in such a way that he will satisfy
your physical needs. He will be witless and will revel in childish things like fighting and kicking a ball about.
He won’t be as smart as you, so he will also need your advice to think properly.”
“Sounds great,” says Eve, with ironically raised eyebrows, “but what’s the catch Lord?”
“Well, you can have him on one condition.”
“And what’s that Lord?”
“As I said, he’ll be proud, arrogant and self-admiring . . . . so you’ll have to let him believe that I made him
first. And it will have to be our little secret. . . . you know, woman to woman.”
Back to top
|
Tailgating, horn-honking driver...
A man was being tailgated by a stressed out woman on a busy boulevard.
Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even
though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.
The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration, as she missed her chance to get
through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup. As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on
her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car
with her hands up.
He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a holding
cell. After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the
booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.
He said, 'I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn,
flipping off the guy in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him.' I noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper
sticker, the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School 'bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated
Christian fish emblem on the trunk; naturally...I assumed you had stolen the car.'
Back to top
|
|
Actual comments made on students' report cards by teachers in the New York City public school
system:
- Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.
- I would not allow this student to breed.
- Your child has delusions of adequacy.
- Your son is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
- Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
- The student has a 'full six-pack' but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.
- This child has been working with glue too much.
- When your daughter's IQ reaches 50, she should sell.
- The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming..
- If this student were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.
- It's impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat out 1,000,000 others.
- The wheel is turning but the hamster is definitely dead.
Back to top
|
Sunday School:
A Sunday School teacher began her lesson with a question, "Boys and girls, what do we know
about God?"
A hand shot up in the air. "He is an artist!" said the kindergarten boy.
"Really? How do you know?" the teacher asked. "You know - Our Father, who does art in Heaven....
"
Back to top
|
|
What kids have to say:
- Never trust a dog to watch your food." -Patrick, age 10
- "When your dad is mad and asks you, 'Do I look stupid?' Don't answer." -Hannah, age
9
- "Never tell your Mom her diet's not working." -Michael, age 14
- "Stay away from prunes." -Randy, age 9
- "Don't pull Dad's finger when he tells you to." > > -Emily, age 10
- "When your Mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair." -Taylia, age 11
- "Never let your three-year old brother in the same room as your school assignment."-Traci,
age 14
- "A puppy always has bad breath--even after eating a Tic-Tac." - Andrew, age 9
- "Never hold a dustbuster and a cat at the same time." - Kyoyo, age 11
- "You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk." -Amir, age 9
- "Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts." -Kellie, age 11
- "If you want a kitten, start out by asking for a horse." -Naomi, age 11
- "Felt-tip markers are not good to use as lipstick." -Lauren, age 9
- "Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat." -Joel, age 10
- "When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your Mom when she's on the phone."
-Alyesha, age 13
- "Never try to baptize a cat." -Eileen, age 8
Back to top
|
The wrong present:
For my son’s birthday we brought him an iPod, my daughter had an iPhone for hers and I got a iPad, thinking along
the same lines I got my wife an iRon. Then the fight started.
Back to top
|
Fred's last request:
The priest lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper, and Ol' Fred used his last bit of energy to scribble
a note, then suddenly died.
The priest thought it best not to look at the note at that time, so he placed it in his jacket pocket.
At the funeral, as he was finishing the message, he realized that he was wearing the same jacket that he was wearing
when Ol' Fred died.
He said, "You know, Ol' Fred handed me a note just before he died. I haven't looked at it, but knowing Fred,
I'm sure there's a word of inspiration there for us all.
"He opened the note, and read, "Please step to your left -- you're standing on my oxygen tube!"
Back to top
|
The Pastor says:
There is the story of a pastor who got up one Sunday and announced to his congregation:
"I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program.
The bad news is, it's still out there in your pockets!"
Back to top
|
Catholic Shampoo:
While shopping in a food store, two nuns happened to pass by the beer cooler.
One nun said to the other, "Wouldn't a nice cool beer or two taste wonderful on a hot summer evening?"
The second nun answered "Indeed it would Sister, but I wouldn't feel comfortable buying beer as I am certain
that it would cause a scene at the check-out counter."
"I can handle that without a problem" she replied as she picked up a six-pack and headed for the check-out.
The cashier had a surprised look on his face when the two nuns arrived with a six-pack of beer.
"We use beer for washing our hair" the nun said, "A shampoo, of sorts, if you will."
Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the counter, pulled out a package of pretzel sticks and placed
them in the bag with the beer. He then looked the nun straight in the eye, smiled and said, "The curlers are
on the house."
Back to top
|
He can't hear a thing... oh yeah?!
An elderly gentleman...
Had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted
for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100 pr cent.
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect. Your family
must be really pleased that you can hear again.'
The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet.
I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!'
Back to top
|
The wrong food can kill you!
A doctor was addressing a large audience in Oxford "The material we put into our stomachs should have killed
most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is full of steroids and dye. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining.
Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High transfat diets can be disastrous and none of us realizes the long-term harm
caused by the germs in our drinking water. But, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and most of
us have, or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years
after eating it?"
After several seconds of quiet, a 90-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, "Wedding
Cake."!!!
Back to top
|
Under the flood waters:
One night a torrential downpour soaked South Louisiana. The next morning the resulting floodwaters came up about
six feet into most of the homes there. Mrs. Boudreaux was sitting on her roof with her neighbour, Mrs. Thibodaux,
waiting for help to come.
Mrs. Thibodaux noticed a lone baseball cap floating near the house. Then she saw it float far out into the front
yard, then float all the way back to the house. It kept floating out, then back, out and back.
Her curiosity got the best of her, so she asked Mrs. Boudreaux, "Do you see that baseball cap floating away
from the house and then back again?"
Mrs. Boudreaux said, "Oh yes, that's my husband. I told him he was going to cut the grass today, come hell
or high water.
Back to top |
The dying nun:
98-year-old Mother Superior from Ireland was dying. The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her last journey
comfortable.
They tried giving her some warm milk to drink but she refused it.
One of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen and remembering a bottle of Irish Whiskey received as a gift
the previous Christmas, she opened it and poured a generous amount into the warm milk. Back at Mother Superior's
bed, she held the glass to her lips. Mother drank a little, then a little more and before they knew it, she had
drank the whole glass down to the last drop. "Mother," the nuns asked with earnest, "please give
us some wisdom before you die." She raised herself up in bed and said, "Don't sell that cow."
Back to top
|
The Bathtub Test:
During a visit to the mental asylum, I asked the Director "how do you determine whether or not a patient should
be institutionalized."
"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket
to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon
or the teacup."
"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug ... Do you want a bed near the window?"
Back to top
|
Charlie, theWalmart greeter:
Charley, a new retiree-greeter at Walmart, just couldn't seem to get to work on time.
Every day he was 5, 10, 15 minutes late. But he was a good worker, really tidy, clean-shaven, sharp minded and
a real credit to the company; obviously demonstrating their "Older Person Friendly" policies.
One day the boss called him into the office for a talk. "Charley, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic,
you do a bang up job. But, being late so often is quite bothersome."
"I know boss, and I am working on it."
''Well good, you are a team player. That's what I like to hear. It's odd though, your coming in late. I know you're
retired from the Armed Forces. So, what did they say if you came in late back then?"
They said, 'Good morning, Admiral, can I get you coffee, sir?
Back to top
|
All I need to know, I learned from the Easter Bunny:
Don't put all your eggs in one basket.
Everyone needs a friend who is all ears.
There's no such thing as too much candy.
All work and no play can make you a basket case.
A cute tail attracts a lot of attention.
Everyone is entitled to a bad hare day.
Let happy thoughts multiply like rabbits.
Some body parts should be floppy.
Keep your paws off other people's jellybeans.
Good things come in small, sugar-coated packages.
The grass is always greener in someone else's basket.
To show your true colors, you have to come out of your shell.
The best things in life are still sweet and gooey.
(Saturday, April 23/2011)
Back to top
|
Three Old Men
Three old men are at the doctor for a memory test.
The doctor says to the first old man,
"What is three times three?"
"274" was his reply.
The doctor worriedly says to the second man,
"It's your turn. What is three times three?"
"Tuesday" replies the second man.
The doctor sadly says to the third man,
"Okay, your turn. What's three times three"?
"Nine" says the third man.
"That's great!" exclaims the doctor.
"How did you get that"?
"Jeez, Doc, it's pretty simple," says the third man.
I just subtracted 274 from Tuesday."
Back to top
|
|
New Definitions:
The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again invited readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter
it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.
- 1. Coffee, n: The person upon whom one coughs.
- 2. Flabbergasted, adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.
- 3. Abdicate, v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
- 4. Esplanade, v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.
- 5. Willy-nilly, adj. Impotent.
- 6. Negligent, adj. Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing
- only a nightgown.
- 7. Lymph, v. To walk with a lisp.
- 8. Gargoyle, n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.
- 9. Flatulence, n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has
- been run over by a steamroller.
- 10. Balderdash, n. A rapidly receding hairline.
- 11. Pokemon, n. A Rastafarian proctologist.
- 12. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
Back to top
|
Golfing...
Noddy is 90 years old. He's played golf every day since his retirement
35 years ago. One day he arrives home looking downcast. "That's it,"
he tells his wife. "I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has become so bad
that once I hit the ball I can't see where it went."
His wife sympathizes and makes him a cup of tea. As they sit down she
says, "Why don't you take you old mate Milton, and give it one more
try."
"That's no good" sighs Noddy, "Milton's a hundred and three. He can't help."
"He may be a hundred and three", says Noddy's wife, "but his eyesight
is perfect."
So the next day Noddy heads off to the golf course with Milton. He
tees up, takes a mighty swing and squints down the fairway.
He turns to Milton and says, "Did you see the ball?"
"Of course I did!" replied Milton. "I have perfect eyesight".
"Where did it go?" says Noddy.
"I don't remember."
Back to top
|
Marriage
Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.
|
Retired goats
Groups of Americans were traveling by tour bus through Holland. The guide described the process of cheese making,
explaining that goat's milk was used. She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing.
'These,' she explained, 'are the older goats put out to pasture when
they no longer produce.' She then asked, 'What do you do in America with your old goats?'
A spry old gentleman answered, 'They send us on bus tours!'
Back to top
|
How he made his money
A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money. The old guy
fingered his worsted wool vest and said, "Well, son, it was 1932. The
depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel.
"I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing
the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents.
"The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent
the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I
continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated
a fortune of $1.37.
"Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars."
Back to top
|
Recycling waste
As we get older we sometimes begin to doubt our ability to "make a difference" in the world. It is at
these times that our hopes are boosted by the remarkable achievements of other "seniors" who have found
the courage to take on challenges that would make many of us wither. Harold Sclumberg is such a person.
I've often been asked, 'What do you old folks do now that you're retired'?
Well...I'm fortunate to have a chemical engineering background,
and one of the things I enjoy most is turning beer, wine, Scotch, and margaritas into recycled waste.
And I'm pretty damn good at it, too!!
Back to top
|
Crap in the carburetor
A woman pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died.
After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She says, "What's the story?"
He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor"
She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"
Back to top
|
Knitting at speed
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway.
Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the woman behind the
wheel was knitting!
Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the
trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled,
"PULL OVER !"
"NO!" the woman yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!".
Back to top
|
One tough grandson
A tough old cowboy from South Texas counseled his grandson that if he wanted to live a long life. The secret was
to sprinkle a pinch of gun powder on his oatmeal every morning
The grandson did this religiously to the age of 103 when he died.
He left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 45 great-grandchildren,
25 great-great-grandchildren and a 15 foot crater where the
crematorium used to be.
Back to top
|
Three sisters who forget
Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together. One night
the 96 year old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses.....She
yells to the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"
The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She
starts up the stairs and pauses "Was I going up the stairs or down?"
The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening
to her sisters.. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never
get that forgetful, knock on wood." She then yells, "I'll come up and
help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."
Back to top
|
Helping the boss
A young man was leaving the office at 3.45 p.m. when he found his director standing in front of a shredder with
a piece of paper in his hand.
"Listen," said the director "this is a very sensitive and important document, and my secretary is
not here. Can you make this thing work?"
"Certainly," said the young man. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start
button.
"Excellent, excellent!" said the director as his paper disappeared inside the machine, "I just need
one copy."
Lesson: Never, ever assume that your boss knows what he's doing.
Back to top
|
The Plan - Switch seniors and prisoners
Let's put seniors in jail and criminals in a nursing home This way the seniors would have access to showers, hobbies,
and walks. They'd receive unlimited free prescriptions, dental and medical treatment, wheel chairs, etc., and they'd
receive money instead of paying it out.
They would have constant video monitoring, so they could be helped instantly if they fell or needed assistance.
Bedding would be washed twice a week, and all clothing would be ironed and returned to them.
A guard would check on them every 20 minutes and bring their meals and snacks to their cell. They would have family
visits in a suite built for that purpose. They would have access to a library, weight room, spiritual counseling,
pool, and education.
Simple clothing, shoes, slippers, PJ's and legal aid would be free, on request. Private, secure rooms for all,
with an outdoor exercise yard and gardens.
Each senior could have a PC, a TV, a radio, and daily phone calls. There would be a board of directors to hear
complaints, and the guards would have a code of conduct that would be strictly adhered to.
The criminals would get cold food, be left all alone and unsupervised, lights off at 8 pm, and showers once a week.
They would live in a tiny room, pay $5000 per month, and have no hope of ever getting out.
Back to top
|
Last Requests?
Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning
service, and she's in tears.
He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"
She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news.. My husband passed away
last night."
The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he
have any last requests?"
She says, "That he did, Father."
The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?"
She says, "He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun...'"
Back to top
|
The wife from hell
A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says,' I clocked you at 80 miles per
hour, sir.'
The driver says, 'Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60; perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating.'
Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: 'Now don't be silly, dear --
you know that this car doesn't have cruise control.'
As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and groans, 'Can't you please keep your
mouth shut for once?'
The wife smiles demurely and says, 'Well dear you should be thankful your radar
detector went off when it did or your speed would have been higher.'
As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and
says through clenched teeth, 'Woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?'
The officer frowns and says, 'And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75
fine.'
The driver says, 'Yeah, well, you see, officer, I had it on, but I took it off when you pulled me over so that
I could get my license out of my back pocket.'
The wife says, 'Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat
belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving.'
And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket, the driver turns to his wife and barks, 'WILL YOU PLEASE
SHUT UP??'
The officer looks over at the woman and asks, 'Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?'
(I love this part)
'Only when he's been drinking.!!'
Back to top
|
The Buddies - Stages of Life
A group of 40 years old buddies discuss and discuss where they should meet for dinner. Finally
it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen restaurant because the waitress's there have
low cut blouses and nice breasts.
Ten years later, at 50 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should
meet. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because the food there is very
good and the wine selection is good also.
Ten years later at 60 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should
meet. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because they can eat there in peace
and quiet and the restaurant is smoke free.
Ten years later, at 70 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should
meet. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because the restaurant is wheel
chair accessible and they even have an elevator.
Ten years later, at 80 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should
meet. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because that would be a great idea
because they have never been there before.
Back to top
|
Olympic Size Questions
(Now that Vancouver will be hosting the 2010 Winter Olympics, these are some questions people
from all over the world are asking. Believe it or not these questions about Canada were posted on an International
Tourism Website. Obviously the answers are a joke; but the questions
were really asked!)
Q: I have never seen it warm on Canadian TV, so how do the plants grow? (England )
A. We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around and watch them die.
Q: Will I be able to see Polar Bears in the street? ( USA )
A: Depends on how much you've been drinking.
Q: I want to walk from Vancouver to Toronto - can I follow the Railroad tracks? ( Sweden )
A: Sure, it's only Four thousand miles, take lots of water.
Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Canada ? ( Sweden )
A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.
Q: Are there any ATM's (cash machines) in Canada ? Can you send me a list of them in Toronto , Vancouver , Edmonton
and Halifax ? (England )
A: No, but you'd better bring a few extra furs for trading purposes.
Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Canada ? (USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe Ca-na-da is that big country to your North...oh
forget it. Sure, the
hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Calgary Come naked.
Q: Which direction is North in Canada ? ( USA )
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.
Q: Can I bring cutlery into Canada ? ( England )
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? ( USA )
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys
Choir plays every Tuesday night in Vancouver and in Calgary, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
Q: Do you have perfume in Canada ? ( Germany )
A: No, WE don't stink.
Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Where can I sell it in Canada ? ( USA )
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
Q: Can you tell me the regions in British Columbia where the female population is smaller than the male population?
( Italy )
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.
Q: Do you celebrate Thanksgiving in Canada ? ( USA )
A: Only at Thanksgiving.
Q: Are there supermarkets in Toronto and is milk available all year round? (Germany )
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of Vegan hunter/gathers. Milk is illegal.
Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Canada , but I forget its name. It's a kind of big horse with horns.
( USA )
A: It's called a Moose. They are tall and very violent, eating the brains of anyone walking close to them. You
can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? ( USA )
A: Yes, but you will have to learn it first.
Back to top
|
Cowboys
Three cowboys were hanging out in the bunkhouse. "I know that smart aleck Tex," said
the first. "He's going to start bragging about that new foreign car he bought as soon as he gets back."
"Not Tex," the second cowboy replied. "He'll always be just a good ol' boy. When he walks in, I'm
sure all he'll say is hello."
"I know Tex better than either of you," said the third. "He's so smart, he'll figure out a way to
do both. Here he comes now." Tex swung open the bunkhouse door and shouted, "Audi, partners!"
Back to top
|
Computer Problem
I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Eric, the 11 year old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission
Control and asked him to come over. Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.
As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong?
He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'
I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, 'An, ID ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix
it again.'
Eric grinned.... 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?
'No,' I replied. 'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.' So I wrote down:
I D 1 0 T
I used to like Eric, the little bastard.
Back to top
|
Don't step on the ducks!
Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.
When they get there, St. Peter says, 'We only have one rule here in heaven: Don't step on the ducks!'
So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step
on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them.. The first woman accidentally steps on one.
Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says, 'Your punishment
for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!'
The next day, the second woman accidentally steps on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing.
With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.
The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very,
VERY careful where she steps.
She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St.Peter comes up to her With the most handsome
man she has ever laid eyes on....very tall, long eyelashes, muscular.
St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.
The happy woman says, 'I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?'
The guy says, 'I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck.
Back to top
|
A Cup of Tea for daddy
One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me. I was maybe 2 ½years old. Someone had given me
a little “tea set”and it was one of my favourite toys. Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news
when I brought him a little cup of “tea”, which was just water.
After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home. My Dad made her wait in the
living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea,because it was “just the cutest thing!”Mom waited, and sure enough,
here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watches him drink it up.
Then she says, (as only a mother would know)...
“Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?”
Back to top
|
Something wild
A young punker gets on the cross-town bus. He's got spiked, multicolored hair that's green, purple, and orange.
His clothes are a tattered mix of colorful leather rags. His legs are bare and he is without shoes. His entire
face and body are riddled with pierced
jewelry, and his earrings are big, bright feathers. He sits down in the only vacant seat, directly across from
an old man who just stares at him for the next 10 stops.
Finally, the punk gets a little miffed and barks at the old man: "What is with you? Didn't you ever do anything
wild when you were young?"
Without missing a beat, the old man replies, "Yup. I remember back when I was young and in the Navy. I got
really drunk one night in Singapore. Couldn't control myself. Had sex with a parrot. I was just sitting here wondering
if you were my son."
Back to top
|
Real Beer
There's a big conference of beer producers in the most beautiful town in the world: Amsterdam, the Netherlands.
At the end of the day, all of the presidents of all beer companies decide to have a drink in a bar. The president
of 'Budweiser' orders a Bud, the president of 'Miller' orders a Miller Lite, Adolph Coors orders a Coors, and the
list goes on.
Then the waitress asks Arthur Guinness what he wants to drink, and much to everybody's amazement, Mr. Guinness
orders a Coke!
"Why don't you order a Guinness?" his colleagues ask.
"Naah. If you guys won't drink beer, then neither will I."
Back to top
|
The Saskatchewan Wife
Three men married wives from different areas. The first man married a woman from California. He told her that she
was to do their dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see
a clean house and dishes washed and put away.
The second man married a woman from New Brunswick. He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning,
dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the
third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done and there was a huge dinner on the table.
The third man married a girl from " Saskatchewan ". He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes
washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't
see anything, the second day he didn't see anything but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and
he could see a little out of his left eye, and his arm was healed enough so that he could fix himself a sandwich
and load the dishwasher.
Back to top
|
Listeria Health Question
Q: The Stanley Cup was recently on tour in my town and I was blessed
to have the opportunity to hold it and kiss it. Now I am deeply
worried; could I have been infected by listeria?
A: Please relax. You are perfectly safe. The Stanley Cup has not
been in contact with any Maple Leaf product in more than 40 years.
Back to top
|
Mary Clancy to Father O'Grady!
Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.
He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"
She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night."
The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any
last requests?"
She says, "That he did, Father. "The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?"
She says, "He said, 'Please Mary, put down that gun...'"
Back to top
|
Lions 'n writers, 'n readers, oh my!
Two hungry lions were walking through the jungle looking for food when they came across two
humans sitting along a river bank.
One of the humans was reading a book, the other was writing a story.
The lions pounced upon the humans, one eating the writer, the other eating the reader.
A few hours earlier, the lion who ate the writer started to feel severe stomach pains, while the other lion who
ate the reader felt fine.
The moral of the story is that writers cramp, readers digest!
Back to top
|
Las Vegas Churches accept gambling chips
This may come as a surprise to those of you not living in Las Vegas, but there are more Catholic
churches than casinos.
Not surprisingly, some worshipers at Sunday services will give casino chips rather than cash when the basket is
passed.
Since they get chips from many different casinos, the churches have devised a method to collect the offerings.
The churches send all their collected chips to a nearby Fanciscan Monastery for sorting and then the chips are
taken to the casinos of origin and cashed in.
This is done by the chip monks.
Back to top
|
An Irish priest was transferred to Texas
Father O'Malley rose from his bed. It was a fine spring day in his new Texas mission parish.
He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there
was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the local police station.
The conversation went like this:
"Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?"
"And the best of the day to yourself. This is Father O'Malley at St. Brigid's . There's a jackass lying dead
in me front lawn. Would ye be so kind as to send a couple o' yer lads to take care of the matter?"
Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk, "Well now father, it was always
my impression that you people took care of last rites!"
There was dead silence on the line for a long moment. Father O'Malley then replied: "Aye, tis certainly true,
but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin."
Back to top
Divorce Court
"Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce
Court Judge said, "And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week,"
"That's very fair, your honor," the husband said. "And every now and
then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself,"
Back to top
|
Canadian! ...eh ?
A recent study found the average Canadian walks about 900 miles a year.
Another study found Canadians drink, on average, 22 gallons of beer a year. That means, on average, Canadians get
about 41 miles to the gallon.
Kind'a makes ya proud to be Canadian! ...eh ?
Back to top |
|
|
|
|
